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HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AMERICAN AND A BRIT
www.edbinkley.com
There I am again
Leaning into my trunk, moving some things around
Am I pulling that stuff out or putting it back?
It’ll be awhile before you find out
I’ll make sure of that
From the window of your minivan I hear a bunch of kids shouting
Le-Go-Land! Le-Go-Land!
And a baby screaming
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
That baby sounds pissed
I bet you’re pissed too
At least I hope so
I pull a straw hat from the trunk, drop it on my head, look around a little
Sir, are you leaving or not?!?!
I take the hat off, toss it back in the trunk
Sir?...Sir?...Hello!?
Sorry
Can’t hear you
I lean deep into the trunk
Rummage around
For just under a minute
But for you
It feels like hours
I emerge from the trunk with my burlap sack
And set it down beside me
Who the fuck brings a freaking burlap sack to Legoland!
Sorry lady
Can’t hear you
I untie the sack and fold down the collar
Hey, I asked you a question! Who the fuck brings a freaking burlap sack to Legoland?!
I pull out a Lego box from the sack and stand there holding it
Did you come here to return that Batmobile or did you just buy it?
You’d love to know
Wouldn’t you
I get here every morning when it’s still dark to make sure I get this parking space
The best space
Ninety two and a half feet from the ticket booth
The walk to the entrance?
Forty three seconds
The worst space is nearly a mile away
The walk?
Twenty two minutes
With kids and a baby?
Closer to six hours
The lot is full
The stakes are high
And nobody knows that
Better than you
The line of cars behind you just reached seventeen
I don’t see them
I feel them
Sense them
It’s called experience
I place the Batmobile on the roof of my car
And when I do
That baby of yours goes ballistic
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
I pick the Batmobile up
And your baby stops crying
So I put the Batmobile back on the roof
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Pick it up
Quiet
Back on the roof
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Pick it up
Quiet
Back on the roof
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
God I love this
Somebody shouts
Take that goddamn Batmobile off the roof of your car so that baby shuts the fuck up!
Your wife leans out the window and shouts back
He’s not that baby. His name is Chad!
I move aside so you can see the baby
In the backseat of my car
Calm, quiet
I know what you’re thinking
You wish ballistic baby Chad was more like my baby Barry
Barry the baby mannequin
Who doesn’t give a shit
Where I put the Batmobile
More honking
The pressure’s getting intense
Apparently too intense
Because I hear your minivan
Shift into drive
Ah, the sweet sound of defeat
Which is my cue
To close the trunk and turn
So you can see me pull out my keys
I can hear your exhale
Your kids break into applause
Baby Chad giggles and coos
I get in the car and reverse out of my space
The best space
The forty three second walk space
The blue wheelchair painted on the ground space
Handicapped only
Bye bye
