I MAY OR MAY NOT BE LEAVING THIS PARKING SPACE   By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC  

I MAY OR MAY NOT BE LEAVING THIS PARKING SPACE   By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC  

www.edbinkley.com  
 
There I am again  
Leaning into my trunk, moving some things around 
Am I pulling that stuff out or putting it back? 
It’ll be awhile before you find out 
I’ll make sure of that 
 
From the window of your minivan I hear a bunch of kids shouting 
Le-Go-Land! Le-Go-Land! 
And a baby screaming 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! 
That baby sounds pissed 
I bet you’re pissed too 
At least I hope so 
 
I pull a straw hat from the trunk, drop it on my head, look around a little 
Sir, are you leaving or not?!?! 
I take the hat off, toss it back in the trunk 
Sir?...Sir?...Hello!? 
Sorry 
Can’t hear you 
 
I lean deep into the trunk 
Rummage around 
For just under a minute 
But for you 
It feels like hours 
 
I emerge from the trunk with my burlap sack 
And set it down beside me 
Who the fuck brings a freaking burlap sack to Legoland! 
Sorry lady 
Can’t hear you 
I untie the sack and fold down the collar 
Hey, I asked you a question! Who the fuck brings a freaking burlap sack to Legoland?! 
I pull out a Lego box from the sack and stand there holding it 
Did you come here to return that Batmobile or did you just buy it? 
You’d love to know 
Wouldn’t you 
 
I get here every morning when it’s still dark to make sure I get this parking space 
The best space 
Ninety two and a half feet from the ticket booth 
The walk to the entrance? 
Forty three seconds 
 
The worst space is nearly a mile away 
The walk? 
Twenty two minutes 
With kids and a baby? 
Closer to six hours 
 
The lot is full 
The stakes are high 
And nobody knows that 
Better than you 
 
The line of cars behind you just reached seventeen 
I don’t see them 
I feel them 
Sense them 
It’s called experience 
 
I place the Batmobile on the roof of my car 
And when I do 
That baby of yours goes ballistic 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 
I pick the Batmobile up 
And your baby stops crying 
So I put the Batmobile back on the roof 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 
Pick it up 
Quiet 
Back on the roof 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 
Pick it up 
Quiet 
Back on the roof 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 
God I love this 
 
Somebody shouts 
Take that goddamn Batmobile off the roof of your car so that baby shuts the fuck up! 
Your wife leans out the window and shouts back 
He’s not that baby. His name is Chad! 
 
I move aside so you can see the baby 
In the backseat of my car 
Calm, quiet 
I know what you’re thinking 
You wish ballistic baby Chad was more like my baby Barry 
Barry the baby mannequin 
Who doesn’t give a shit 
Where I put the Batmobile 
 
More honking 
The pressure’s getting intense 
Apparently too intense 
Because I hear your minivan 
Shift into drive 
Ah, the sweet sound of defeat 
 
Which is my cue 
To close the trunk and turn 
So you can see me pull out my keys 
I can hear your exhale 
Your kids break into applause 
Baby Chad giggles and coos 
 
I get in the car and reverse out of my space  
The best space 
The forty three second walk space 
The blue wheelchair painted on the ground space 
Handicapped only 
Bye bye 
 
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