LISTS 

NATIONAL HELL SERVICE    By Fallows Mencken  

NATIONAL HELL SERVICE    By Fallows Mencken  

1. The ambulance is on its way 
 
2. NHS website: “Click here to learn how to treat pneumonia yourself” 
 
3. “We’re lucky to live in Marlow Bottom. The nearest A & E is only ninety seven miles away” 
 
4. The ambulance is on its way 
 
5. Pay 87 percent in taxes. Check. Use what's left to buy private health insurance. Check.  
 
6. NHS website: “Does pancreatic cancer have to be treated by a doctor? Not always. Click here” 
 
7. The ambulance is on its way 
 
8. It’s very reassuring to know that the GP who determines whether or not you see a specialist is a junior doctor  
who couldn’t tell the difference between basal cell carcinoma and a butt freckle if his 23 year old life depended  
on it 
 
9. Sorry, we’re all out of beds; but there's a patch of piss free carpet behind that bin 
 
10. NHS website: “Heart attack? Probably not. Click here for signs of indigestion” 
 
11. Very sorry, the ambulance won’t be coming 
 
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