WHAT DO AMERICANS REALLY THINK OF BRITAIN?    By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC 

WHAT DO AMERICANS REALLY THINK OF BRITAIN?    By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC 

 
Americans have no idea about the real Britain 
 
Walk up to an American and ask them for the first five words that come to mind when you say Britain 
 
“The Queen, tea, polite and….hmmmm…did I say the Queen already?” 
 
“Yes” 
 
“Ok, tea then. Tea comes to mind” 
 
“You said that” 
 
“They’re very polite” 
 
“Right. You said that too” 
 
“Oh, I love that one show! The one with all those fancy people” 
 
“Downtoun Abbey” 
 
“Yes! Those Downtoun Abbey people were all very polite and drank tea…just like the Queen” 
 
“Anything else?” 
 
“Hmmmmm” 
 
“Shell suits?” 
 
“Huh?” 
 
“Sink estates?” 
 
“What?” 
 
“Streets paved with vomit?” 
 
“Yuck!” 
 
“See through rubbish bags lying in the middle of the sidewalk?” 
 
“We’re not still talking about Britain are we?” 
 
“Diesel powered stick shift cars the size of your three year old’s tricycle” 
 
“Is this a joke?” 
 
“Trains that smell of piss” 
 
“Gross!” 
 
“Love Island, tattoos, the Daily Mail, shit weather, Kevs!” 
 
“Ok, calm down…” 
 
“Parking spaces the size of my thumb!!!! 
 
“Sir, you don’t have to shout” 
 
“Eight hundred thousand pounds for a bed sit in Slough adjacent!!!!” 
 
“A bed what?” 
 
“Thimble sized basins with two faucets!!! 
 
“Sir, are you ok?” 
 
“Crap customer service!! Passive aggressive tutting! Laws against speaking to anyone you have not known for at least your entire life!! Costa tables covered in rubbish and slobbered up mugs! Brooklyn Beckham! Neck tattoos! Drunks shitting in the street! Four and a half years to see a GP! 
 
“Sir, you’re looking very unwell” 
 
“Unwell? Unwell? I wish I just looked unwell! I look fucking awful! You know why? Because I’ve been living in fucking Britain for the last nine hundred and seventy four days!!!! Paying for parking in the pissing down rain! Booking plumbers that never show up! Sitting on crap stained Tube seats! Going downstairs to the fucking kitchen to dry my hair because there are no fucking outlets in the bathrooms!!!! Jacob Rees Mogg!!!! Roads thinner than my leg! One lane bridges! Robbie Williams! Oh my God I have the most terrible pain in my chest!” 
 
“Oh goodness, sir. I think you’re dying” 
 
“I am” 
 
“Do you have any last words?” 
 
“Yeah, I got some last words” 
 
“Ok…” 
 
“Tell my wife I hate her” 
 
“Hate her? Why? 
 
“For making me move to Britain!” 
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