What the fuck am I supposed to call this country?    By Gillian Spencer-Reeve  

 
Who knows and who the fuck cares.  
 
But here's what I do know  
 
Brits get very touchy when we don’t get it right 
 
One little mistake turns them into whiny little bitches 
 
He called me England instead of the United Kingdom! 
 
The British Isles? Ugh!  
 
He doesn't even know my name! 
 
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! 
 
Can you really blame us? 
 
Let’s have a look... 
 
The United Kingdom - I think this is the official name of the place because I’ve seen it on those little name things in front of the ambassadors at the United Nations 
 
However! 
 
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland is what appears on the front of their passports! Why would you not put the official name on your freaking passports? It’s almost as if by cramming all those names on there they’re trying to look bigger than they really are 
 
Great Britain - Ok - so this is what they want to be called at the Olympics. I know because GB appears on all their kit. Are the G’s and B’s more aerodynamic than the U’s and K’s? Or did someone make a mistake many Olympics ago and correcting it would be just too damn embarrassing? 
 
England - World Cup time! DON'T YOU DARE call us Great Britain! For the very short time we’ll be competing in the World Cup we insist that you call us England! 
 
Britain - Today we are depressed about Brexit, hungover (as usual) and standing in the pouring rain waiting for another delayed train - so today please drop the "Great" and just call us "Britiain" 
 
Brits - English people? And maybe also Scots? Or Welsh or Northern Irish? Aren’t all of you Brits? Why all the different….AGH! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US! 
 
English - Why! Just stick with “Brits”. Unless the English are something other than Brits? In which case, I wonder if they’re just as touchy as the Brits about all this confusing name business 
 
The British Isles - Is this just Great Britain without Northern Ireland or is this Great Britain and all of Ireland? Or is it just one big piss take?  
 
The British Empire - Oh, I know this one. It’s something that started falling apart 120 years ago and now only exists inside the heads of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Prince Philip. 
 
The British Commonwealth - C'mon really? I bet the Queen doesn't even know what the fuck this one means 
 
Blighty - Finally! A name that makes complete sense! Because according to Webster's "blight" means "a thing that spoils or damages something" and the Brits are obviously damaging everyone else's ability to figure out what the fuck to call them! 
 
 
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