1. There are only two subjects people will ask you about: Trump and guns. That’s it. Here is what you need to say: “I totally agree. Trump is an absolute imbecile” and “I totally agree. America is gun crazy. I’m so glad to be living over here”. If you’re feeling particularly obsequious go ahead and say this: “The NHS is amazing!”
2. You and I both know the monarchy is totally pointless and stupid. Deep down, alot of Brits know this too. But whenever the subject of the monarchy comes up you should say the following: “The British Monarchy is really like the whole world’s monarchy. So much history! So much tradition! The Queen is an amazing woman!”
3. Under no circumstances should you tell these people that you don’t drink alcohol. They have never heard a human being say such a thing. It’s like telling someone back home you do not breathe. Keep it to yourself.
4. Allow an extra 77 minutes for parking
5. Is that a lime green sink in the corner of this living room?
6. People will say “You alright?” as a greeting. But it will sound more like one word and without the question mark. Kinda like “Yuhayiiiiight”. Don’t worry. You don’t have pink eye. They’re just saying hello.
Another comment on this “Yuhayiiiight” business: there are two characteristics about Americans that ALL Brits believe to be 1,000 percent true: first, that Americans saying “how are you” is insincere because the American doesn’t really care how you’re doing. And second, that Americans do not, under any circumstances, understand irony. Allow me to point out that when Brits say “You all right” they don’t care if you’re alright in the exact same way that Americans don’t care how you’re doing. Both are just perfunctory greetings. I needn’t point out the irony here (unless of course you’re a Brit — BAMO!).
8. I wouldn’t recommend it, but you could spend nine months scouring the entire country and you wouldn’t find an electrical outlet in a single bathroom “Honey, I’ll be down in the dining room drying my hair”
9. No, those aren’t zombies on the train.
10. The list of what you thought was embarrassing just got 1,000 times longer
11. Even though no surgery happens at the surgery that’s what the doctors office is called: the surgery. Obviously
12. Pay at the pump? Are you from the future or something mate?
13. You ask people who do not have an RP accent where they’re from and you will see their faces slightly deflate as they reluctantly tell you they’re from Leeds or Blackpool, as though you have any idea why they’re disappointed you identified their regional accent (at least initially)
14. There he is again. The Brit that wants to bemoan the “Americanization of his country and the rest of the world”. The guy who wants to “see Cuba before the Americans show up and ruin it.” Resist the temptation to point out he’s complaining about Americanization while sitting in a Starbucks with his MacBook and iPhone, wearing Skechers and Levis and using Google to bitterly search for evidence of Americanization. Just shake your head and tell him he’s absolutely right. He’ll feel alot better about himself
15. Oh, you’re going to America for holiday? Be sure to bring a gun! Ha ha!
16. The next rest stop is in 197 miles
17. If my damn navigator weren’t 2 seconds behind I would have left this roundabout an hour ago
18. Yes, that’s a washing machine under the kitchen sink
19. Remember when you were a little kid back in the 70’s and there was a guy down the street who had something called a diesel car? Right, well - over here, there's millions of those guys
20. Oh, I forgot. At least once a week someone will — for reasons that are still not quite clear to me — relish — and I do mean relish —the opportunity to tell you that America has no history. Instead of saying “Um…ok…isn’t that just kinda like pointing out that a 32 year old isn’t an old man?” just say “That’s one of the great advantages of living over here. So much history!”
21. I’m already driving a stick shift and drinking an espresso and looking at my navigator and now I have to flash my headlights to say thank you? Yes. You do. Better to risk a fatal car crash than to be rude
22. “I wish we had a monarchy. I really do”
23. I have been standing in line in the rain at this car park waiting to pay for 12 minutes and when I reach the machine it says “exact change only”. Did I wake up in the 1970’s this morning?
24. “I almost burned my passport the day Trump was elected. I really did”
25. Bye bye bye…ok bye…bye…bye for now…lovely….bye bye…bye…