WHY HAS BRITIAIN RETAINED THE MONARCHY?    By James Harvey  

 
Because without the monarchy this nation would crumble faster than a Croydon Costa carrot cake 
 
It’s painful to contemplate, but imagine for a moment the unthinkable: someone other than Prince Edward christening the south Leeds leisure centre. Without his princely blessing, could anyone really get that much out of the weight room - or enjoy, even a little bit, the cafe’s cold viscous coffee, or blackened bananas? 
 
Of course not… 
 
And when it comes to international trade and investment Prince Andrew is literally carrying the entire nation on his back, as he meets with global titans of industry on the beaches of Grand Cayman Island, at the Banana Bar in Key West and semi-toweled in the steam room of the Four Seasons Seychelles 
 
Competitive carriage driving! 
 
Three words that would not appear in the same sentence were it not for Prince Philip! I shudder to consider the physical health of the nation without this immensely accessible, quintessential sport of the common man 
 
And how about that Princess Margaret Hospital in Windsor. Appropriately named after the Queen’s chain smoking alcoholic little sister, the facility would undoubtedly lose the confidence of the British people were it instead named after, say, a health conscious commoner 
 
Could that shopping mall in Basingstoke open without the Countess of Wessex in attendance? Theoretically, yes. But you and I both know the shopping experience wouldn’t be the same. Our shoulders would be a little heavier. Our smiles a bit thinner. As we carry our Robbie Willams bobbleheads and shittily stitched Daniel slacks back to that nine and a half pound an hour car park.  
 
Yes, the monarchy is to the United Kingdom as a Michelin star restaurant is to the Duke of York 
 
Both would die  
 
Without the other 
 
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