WHAT'S NEXT? THE 20 MOST LIKELY BREXT SCENARIOS By Fallows Mencken

1. May asks European Union for six-month delay 2. May resigns 3. May negotiates with Corbyn 4. May blames Tory rebels. Bo-Jo blames Muslims. Rees-Mogg blames Chavs

A CELEBRATION OF THE BRITISH HIGH STREET By Melvin H Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

With its mislabeled entrance and exits, limited space and unobstructed view of the local traveler encampment, the car park depresses upon arrival. Its surrounding flower beds contain no flowers but do provide refuge to...

WHAT DO AMERICANS REALLY THINK OF BRITAIN? By Fallows Mencken

Walk up to an American and ask them for the first five words that come to mind when you say Britain

“The Queen, tea, polite and….hmmmm…did I say the Queen already?”

“Yes”

“Ok, tea then. Tea comes to mind”

THE MOST BRITISH THING ABOUT ME By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

The most British thing about me is definitely my cheerfulness and sunny outlook on life. I wasn't always so super duper cheery though. Before I moved to the UK, I was like every other American: gloomy, sarcastic and miserable...

HOW CRAP IS IT TO LIVE IN THE UNITED KINGDOM? By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

There are tribal people in the far reaches of Northern Canada who and eat nothing but bark and retarded snakes and live beneath igloos built from antelope dung. There are women living in the mountains of Afghanistan who spend spend...

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS COUNTRY? By Fallows Mencken

Who knows and who the fuck cares. But here's what I do know. Brits get very touchy when we don’t get it right

THE ONE THING EVERY BRITISH PERSON KNOWS By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

Is that Britain is crap. And unless you’re deaf and blind and haven’t left your caravan in the last 75 years you know full well this thing cannot be turned around. Why? Because turning it around requires...

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AMERICAN AND A BRIT By Emily Stennis

If you tell an American your business is doing well he will hand you his business card and say we should get lunch. If you tell a Brit your business is doing well he will...

SHOULD YOU MOVE TO ENGLAND? By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

Don’t be absurd. I moved here from America nine hundred and ten days ago and I’ve hated every single one of those days, each one a little more than the last. If I could get a hold of a gun in this country I would have blown my brains out a long time ago...

THE 20 THINGS PEOPLE ARE SHOCKED BY WHEN THEY MOVE TO THE UNITED KINGDOM By William Vanderbilt Breay

The television is quiet. The radio is quiet. The train is quiet. The plane is quiet. The gift shop is quiet. The coffee shop is quiet. After six months…you’re quiet too...

IS IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE IN A BRITISH HOME WITHOUT BLOWING YOUR BRAINS OUT? By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

I cannot exclude the possiblity that someone on this island lives in a British home and considers it 'habitable.' But he is - as we all are - enduring so many inconveniences - sinkless bathrooms, collapsing Elizabethan roofs, nine hundred year old plumbing systems only understood by an archaeologist — that his definition of ‘habitable’ has to be stretched to such a degree that ninety nine out of one hundred linguists would call foul....

WHY HAS BRITAIN RETAINED THE MONARCHY? By James Harvey

Because without the monarchy this nation would crumble faster than a Croydon Costa carrot cake. It’s painful to contemplate, but imagine for a moment the unthinkable: someone other than Prince Edward christening the south Leeds leisure centre. Without his princely blessing, could anyone really get that much out of the weight room - or enjoy, even a little bit, the cafe’s cold...

THIS IS THE GREATEST INDICATOR OF INTELLIGENCE By Jonathan Samuel Clemens, OBE

There are many signs of an intelligent person - an expansive vocabulary, a nimble mind, boundless curiosity. But - as the research and vast numbers of studies have clearly demonstrated - the single greatest indicator of intelligence is this. When given the opportunity to move out of the United Kingdom - an intelligent person looks around and says the following:

I MAY OR MAY NOT BE LEAVING THIS PARKING SPACE By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

There I am again. Leaning into my trunk, moving things around. Am I pulling that stuff out? Or putting it back? It’ll be awhile before you find out. I’ll make sure of that...

CLICK HERE OR DIE

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS COUNTRY? By Fallows Mencken

THE 20 THINGS PEOPLE ARE SHOCKED BY WHEN THEY MOVE TO THE UNITED KINGDOM By William Vanderbilt Breay

IS IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE IN A BRITISH HOME WITHOUT BLOWING YOUR BRAINS OUT? By Melvin Roosevelt, OBE, KFC

WHY HAS BRITAIN RETAINED THE MONARCHY? By James Harvey